Huh (Sigh)… I’m so tired, frustrated and just annoyed. I’m sick of this stupid senseless war, I wish it never began. If only I could go back to the ways things were before. No longer would I have to sleep in this daggy, old sleeping bag. No longer would I have to live in such poor and devastating conditions. Instead, I would be tucked inside my warm, clean queen size bed, surrounded by four walls and I would feel an indescribable feeling: one of safety and love; one that you would only find at a place called ‘home’.
I’d never thought I’d be in such a challenging and perplexing situation in all my life. I’d always seen pictures of the devastating results of war on the news and in the local paper, but I never knew that one day that would be me; struggling to survive in such unfamiliar conditions, dodging bullets 24 – 7 and living life as a guerrilla, conscious of every little movement. I never knew that one day I would walk in their shoes. Though here I am today and I can smell it, touch it, hear it and even taste it. The war is now a major part of my life and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Oh how I wish I was there right now, but of course I’m not! I’m stuck out here in the middle of Hell! (Sigh) The name speaks for itself.
Now, just as I was thinking of all the dreadful events that have occurred to me over the past few months, just as I was reassuring myself that things couldn’t possibly get any worse, they do! My close friend Corrie gets shot in the back by a barbaric, sinister solider and Kevin is forced to surrender and risk his life in order to save Corrie’s. I don’t even know if they even made it to the hospital, let alone if they’re still alive. Once again I’m just left with millions of questions; millions of questions and not a single answer.
Our group of eight has now turned into six; Ellie. Lee, Homer, Chris, Robyn and me. Not only has this tragic event brought down ours numbers but also our spirit, hope and determination. I wonder if it’s possible for the group to just continue deteriorating until it’s so small that there’s nobody left. I don’t think I could cope with another loss. I mean the thought has crossed my mind so many times, but now it seems much more probable. It’s a horrid and unpleasant thought I know, one that I wouldn’t dare to discuss or even mention near the others, but one that will always be in the back of my head, as a possibility.
To me the war so far has been just like an emotional rollercoaster and just as it’s beginning to slow down and things are starting to get better, it speeds back up again, at a hundred miles per hour. It is hard for me to handle all these disastrous events at once and I can tell that the others feel the same way too. But they all have their different ways of dealing with it. I myself, find the best way to cope is by getting it out in the open and talking about it. I used to talk to Ellie a lot as I knew her the best out of everyone. She’s very good at solving problems and setting my head straight, but ever since Homer and I have shared a relationship things have been different. Having such a close relationship with Homer has helped me an awful lot. He always listens to what I have to say and how I feel and encourages me to be cheerful and content in the worst of times. Sometimes I wonder how I possibly survived without Homer.
Since the war began, I have become such a different person. It has pushed me to my limits physically and emotionally and shown others what I am really capable of. I definitely shocked everyone, including myself, when my rougher side began to show. Know I am no longer seen as the rich girl who would have nightmares about breaking a nail, but instead I am accepted as a rural. You don’t understand how hard it was being so different to the others, how left out I felt. Well I guess I proved them all wrong, and I hope they learnt not to judge a book by its cover, just like they judged me.
I can’t believe that this is really my life. I’m still finding it hard for it to sink in. The past seems like it has no meaning anymore and the only thing that seems to matter, is the unpredictable future and what may lie ahead. It worries me to death.